Where have I been?

My last post was in August, and it has been a wild ride. Buckle up. It’s story time. I decided I wanted to start streaming on twitch, and it really just started out as a complete joke, and then I actually got affiliated and started making money. I’ve honestly been having so much fun with it trying to grow my community of absolutely incredible people. I’m certainly not saying it has been easy by any stretch of the imagination; however, the experiences and memories I’ve made are worth all of the hard work and effort I put into it every day.

For the better half of my life, I have struggled with my appearance and the way I portray myself to others, and actually using a camera to talk to people and connect has made it immensely better for me. It can sometimes be draining, and I frequently push myself a little too hard when I know I should be taking a break, but it’s worth it.

I also had some hilarious flirtationships that turned into friendships. I fell madly deeply truly for someone that wasn’t ready for commitment. It still hurts, and I still think of him often, but such is life, and if someday the universe wills it to be, then so be it. There was that bright side of me that wanted it to work, and for so long, I distanced myself from everyone that came along. I’m not really sure why I let him in. The vulnerability that raw energy just came blazing out of me. I felt alive again but only briefly.

Yes, I know certain people come into your life at the right time, and they’re often a lesson in disguise. I think my walls were built so iron-clad for so many years I needed someone to break them down again to truly see I can love and be loved in return. I’m not saying that I ever told this person I loved them because, frankly, that is just terrifying and would have scared him away more. Still, at the end of the day, I can close my eyes knowing that I took that chance, and yes, it didn’t turn out the way I had hoped, but not everything in life will. That’s just unrealistic. I still talk to him every now and then, but politely and from a safe distance, it’s better off this way.

There have been many beautiful, painful, and absolutely hilarious moments that frequently end in me wheeze laughing or snort laughing until I can’t breathe. It’s the fantastic people I have had the pleasure of getting to know that bring my heart joy and sometimes pain, anger, and frustration, but all of those things are worth valuable genuine friendships. I’m looking forward to creating more content on twitch and all of my other social media platforms. I personally feel like I’ve found that little something I had been missing.

I will end on this note, life throws so much shit at us every day when you find something you enjoy appreciate it because it is often short-lived. We are all living on borrowed time, so make the most of every moment.

Until next time

Available in kindle today! (psst I’m working on part 2 right now I can’t wait!)

So it goes

I am taking full advantage of my current creative inspiration and getting as much writing done as possible. I had previously been working on several short stories, all unfinished, but they were progressing well. Depression really is a bitch, and with everything going on in the world right now, I felt like I was drowning, falling deeper into the abyss. I often find it easier to let the darkness envelop me and just embrace it until I find my way out again.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is to focus on myself first and then everyone else second. Some have called me selfish, but anyone who struggles with depression and mental illness knows how fucking hard it can be to roll out of bed. And so it goes, people will always judge you no matter what. You have this inner turmoil that eats away at you as if everything else wasn’t enough. More often than not, I find myself curled back up in my bed, ignoring every single responsibility. It bites me in the ass later, but in that current moment, I do what I have to so I don’t go insane.

One of the most positive things that have come out of quarantine is “meeting” some of the most amazing people online. There are a few that I now call some of my closest friends, and I don’t go a day without talking to them. Making friends in your late 20’s is difficult, and I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have found them. They have been my solace through the shit storm that is my brain. The comfort we find in familiarity and acceptance is often ineffable. To be understood, without having to explain yourself, it is truly a beautiful experience.

Until next time

Available in paperback and Kindle now!

Hi, buy my book please and thank you

Inspiration from old friends

Last night I had a friend message me out of the blue, and it sparked that fire in me again to create. I found inspiration is his new creative journey. When someone talks about something they love with ferocity and passion, you can feel it rising in your soul, pleading with you to let it out! I don’t know how long this inspiration will last, nor do I care at this current moment. Sometimes it takes something so minute to put you back in your place. Not to mention that I have certainly not been consistent with my posts on here or on my Instagram, I really needed that awakening.

This won’t be a long post. I know that much, but I felt the urge to write, and that’s the most incredible feeling of all. Anyone who gets writer’s block or has depression knows that it’s incredibly hard to find that specific thing that triggers your brain from delirium and back into the realm of creativity. With my newfound inspiration, I fully intend to use every spare moment I have because nothing this good lasts, trust me, I know. When the universe or whatever you may believe in starts screaming at you in clear signs instead of codes and complicated riddles, you take it and run.

I am fully prepared for the creative crash that will more than likely happen in a few days, maybe even hours from now, but here, I feel alive again. And for me, that makes all the difference.

Until next time

Also here is the link to my book, it’s available in Kindle and paperback!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B088Q4CVFW

Hi, buy my book please and thank you

A month of doubts and drafts

July 17th, 8:28 p.m present day

Here I am over a month later, and my writing blocks have been worse than I can ever remember. The posts you see below are what happens when I go through these times. A little insight into how I’ve been feeling and what neglecting your mental health does for you. I will be posting more frequently, but I won’t make a promise I cannot keep.

July 7th, 8:04 p.m

Ever since my creative burnout post, I haven’t been able to write a damn thing. I have 11 partial drafts of posts that I kept saying fuck it, I am not in the mood, and it doesn’t sound right. I feel like I’ve been living in a fever dream as of late. I cannot adequately express how weird my mental state has been. I’ll tell you what, it hasn’t been great, that’s for damn sure. I’ve recently thrown myself back into the world of gaming, and it has sucked everything out of me. I love it so much, and it is incredibly fun. However, it’s just another form of escapism. I currently cannot stand being alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes without wanting to scream. All of my old standby methods have failed me. 

Also, I stopped writing this post for 5 hours because my brain could not focus enough to type. Currently, there is another severe outbreak of COVID in Florida, and no one takes it seriously here. It’s like some twisted joke, and the whole world laughs at “our” stupidity. Quite frankly, I don’t like it. My intention with this blog has always been putting out quality content and focusing on new ideas.

June 25th 6:44 p/m

It appears I have been avoiding all of my problems and just shoving them down deeper. My avoidant behavior is nothing new to me. Still, for others, they are completely thrown off by it and take extreme offense. Sometimes I just don’t respond to people for weeks or sometimes months. By nature, I am a homebody that likes to occasionally go out and explore the world, but on my own terms. I personally don’t like making plans ahead of time because deep down, I know I will eventually hurt someone’s feelings. 

I never thought that at 29, I would be starting over and trying to do everything on my own. I always feel like a failure, and writing has been one of the hardest challenges I have faced so far. This industry is cutthroat and has no mercy. If there is a formula for becoming a successful writer, please let me know. I have resorted to exploring other avenues in terms of work because I need to make money, and it’s not easy. For what it’s worth, I don’t regret anything and these past 5 months. It has been one hell of a ride. I’ve connected with some of the most incredible humans I have never met before. And being welcomed into a community where I don’t have to pretend to be someone else is fantastic.

Not all of my time has been completely wasted, I do actually accomplish a fair amount of writing. I have been working on short stories more, which is something I never used to do, it’s usually always been poetry or blog-style writing. Maneuvering my way through the technicalities of short story writing hasn’t been too bad, but I will say it’s been more of a learning curve. Every adventure has it’s

June 21st, 4:13 p.m

I have been doubting every decision I have made in the past 3 months and wondering if it will be worth it. I failed to realize that my thoughts and lack of self-love have gotten in the way of watching my dreams come to fruition. By nature, I am a self-sabotaging idiot that gets scared when everything starts going a little too well. I am optimistic by nature, but I don’t nurture it

Creative Burnout

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What’s that? Ah yes, the last few ounces of creativity seeping out of these fingertips. As of late, it has been extremely difficult to get anything done. I haven’t written anything in over a week, and that certainly doesn’t feel good or normal in the least bit. Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to the affliction known as creator burnout, writer’s block, and you get the point. When you’re creating something from nothing, it does not always happen how you envision it.

It’s no surprise that I have been struggling as of late. Deep down at my core, I am an extremely empathetic person, and I don’t handle the sudden onslaught of being overstimulated. There is so much going on in the world right now, even just in my daily life, and it becomes so overwhelming I frequently find myself retreating deep inwards, and it gets dark. Clearly, I forgot matches or a flashlight. My usual methods of pulling myself out of this mindset have been thrown out the window. (The metaphorical kind, not real windows. I wouldn’t be typing right now if I actually threw shit out of an actual window.) I digress, somewhere in my brain that little switch did not go off this time, giving me some sort of warning of what lies ahead.

I have primarily been living like a fucking automaton. My hands are working off of muscle memory right now. Sometimes I feel like crying, and the next moment I’m completely fine. The jokes always on me because this is the same old self-destructive behavior I have displayed in the past. Truthfully I thought I left those issues somewhere on the side of the road a long time ago. Pulling yourself out the same dark place over and over again is so frustrating and tiring. I always assumed one day my brain would just be like, “Okay, cool, we’re done with all of that now,” and obviously it does not work that way, can confirm. For some reason, I chose to ignore every warning sign my brain has ever given me these past few weeks.

So I ask myself, what am I hiding from? Who do I not want to confront right now? Usually, it’s my own issues. Also, I am just now realizing that this whole post is mostly about my current mental state and not “tips on how to handle creator burnout,” but in my not-so-humble opinion, the two go hand in hand. I guess I just always feel like I need people to know that it’s okay not to be okay, you know? Not every day is going to be a good one, but I’m trying my best to figure out how to make every day at least a decent one instead of an outright shitty day. It’s all about shifting perspective and focus from one invasive thought to something less intrusive. I like to remind myself that I chose this new path in life, and not everything is going to be alright all of the time.

Accepting that fact will make my life much easier and probably a little less chaotic.

Until next time