So, what comes next?

Ah yes, the after moments of achieving a milestone in one’s life often feels anticlimactic. The come down from the serotonin high and adrenaline rush that follows a completion of sorts. I have been an emotional wreck this past week after publishing my first poetry book. I suddenly felt the finality of what was a culmination of ten plus years of writing, and I felt like I was fumbling around in the dark, looking for the damn light switch.

Now, deep down, I know I have only just started this new and fantastical journey, and there are many more speed bumps and hurdles I’ll cross.

At this very moment, all I have is the start of a new day, and I’m entirely content with that.

I will spend my day with a tiny group of family, celebrating my 29th birthday immensely proud of myself. Probably for the first time in years, I can say I’m proud of myself.

The only consistency I have had is holding on to my education as a crutch. I would make excuses for not having a “career” or a stable job because I never wanted any of those things, not really. What I want is freedom, creatively, physically, emotionally. I was never meant to operate on a regular schedule or the typical nine to five.

The very thought causes me a lot of anxiety, and I consider myself extremely lucky that I live in a time where I can make my OWN rules and schedules. Yes, I’ll have to work my ass off, but it’s all worth it.

I genuinely don’t mind being up until almost six in the morning writing, laughing, making beautiful human connections. And then waking up at two in the afternoon making some espresso, coffee and listening to music. I generally don’t worry about the banality of most people’s routines, nor do I look down upon it. Everyone is different, and I love that. What works for some will not work for others, and so it goes.

My wise words of the day: take some deep breaths, sing your goddamn heart out and tell someone you care about that you love them, always tell them.

Until next time

Also go buy my book if that’s what you’re in to.

Publishing a book

Purchase paperback or Kindle here!

For as long as I can remember, it has always been my dream to publish a book. I never knew what the contents of it would be, but it was one constant goal of mine in life. I can finally say I kept my promise and followed through. Now, whether or not I make lots of money from it is not my main goal. It would be delightful for it to take off and make a lot! However, I told myself a long time ago to be realistic.

The process of self-publishing is relatively simple through amazon. Coupled with a few other apps that I used to design the cover and text. I was incredibly surprised because it certainly isn’t the way it used to be. There was a long process, you would get a publisher or agent, and things progress from there. I found myself dreaming of a fantasy world where I became a best-seller, went on a book tour, you get the point.

I never thought of it as a pipe dream, but I did recognize that it was not practical. But life isn’t always about being practical and pragmatic. I decided a few months ago that I didn’t want to live life on life’s terms. I wanted to live on my terms without limitations. My lovely late grandmother told me in what was one of the roughest times in my life, and I quote, “you need to take back the remote control and press your own buttons again.” Now, it took me many more years to fully grasp her words, but they stuck with me and continued to carry them through more difficult times in life.

What I’m trying to say is that I took back control. I ended up quitting my environmental sustainability program at university and started to write full time again. It wasn’t my first degree, and as I approach my 29th birthday in a few days, I knew I had made the right choice. Who knows one day I may get another, but it wasn’t right for me anymore. I decided to be selfish for once and take a chance on me. If you’re wondering how It felt or if you weren’t, I’ll tell you anyway. It was terrifying and exhilarating, but I don’t regret any of it. Take a chance on yourself, you might be surprised.

Until next time

Purchase my book here!

Then and now

There used to be a time in my life where I was prolific in blogging, it consumed my whole world. I didn’t have any particular reason for blogging. Still, it was the early 2000’s, and at some point, I’m pretty sure I had 3 or 4 different blogs going at any one point in time. That was then, and this is now. So what makes this different? Not quite sure yet, but I can definitively say that I am enjoying every moment of it.

In the middle of March of this year, I had to make some big life decisions about my continued education and “what I wanted to do with my life.” In retrospect, I don’t think I could have made a better decision. This was about a week before we went into official quarantine, and making tough decisions during a global pandemic seems futile. However, I don’t think I can remember a time when I have been this comfortable and at ease with who I am.

By nature, I am an incredibly anxious person, always worrying about the “what ifs” of life instead of focusing on the present moment. Once I stopped worrying so damn much about what could or would have been, I started becoming more me than I have ever felt in years. There has undoubtedly been a shift in consciousness for me. One of the most important choices I made was not continuing my higher education. Instead, I decided to live life on my own terms instead of at the mercy of a broken education system that could literally care less. Nothing broke my heart more than dropping out of my environmental sustainability program because I wanted to save the world in my head. How cliche of me.

In the months that followed, it has been nothing but a discovery of self and soul. I tapered off of an incredibly dangerous antidepressant that wasn’t doing shit for me (Zoloft, that’s a story for another day). I have connected with some of the most beautiful, kind, and loving human beings through a shared love of a twitch stream. This turned into joining a discord server, and next thing I know, I am joining late-night house parties (the app). I began learning about the lives of others, their pain, struggles, and victories. It has been a beautiful journey letting others in, opening myself up, and being the most vulnerable and genuine version of myself again. It has been a strange and chaotic road that has led me to where I am now.

So, where am I now? Currently amid a wondrous new beginning, the next chapter of my life, and for the first time, I’m writing new chapters, not someone else.

Until next time

Conception of thought

Welcome! If you’re wondering why you’re here, well, I can’t answer that for you, but I’m happy to have you and hope you’ll stick around for this new journey of mine. Firstly, I’d like to introduce myself informally to everyone. My name is Tina, and I have a challenging time trying to talk about myself and convey who I am without it sounding generic and cliche. Here am I, though, opening up my heart and mind.

I would like to preface this introduction with the thought in mind if you are here reading this right now, this is a safe space for everyone. In our current virtually run world, we are all grasping for human connection and security. I’d like to think that this is a place people can come to feel comfortable and safe.

Where was I? Right, yeah, I was ignoring talking about myself. It’s such a strange concept to me, especially considering you can be anyone you want online, and no one would know differently. It’s one thing being vulnerable and another being genuine. It is so hard to convey to others what your true self is. One of the perks of being on the internet is not showing that.

So here I am, learning how to be unapologetically me slowly day by day. On a different note, there is a section on this website that is strictly for books and discussions about them, maybe some healthy debates.

My plan is to pick a book a month and discuss it throughout two or three different posts, hoping that others will chime in and have some good book talk in the comments section.

Until next time